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Christmas cracker jokes are written almost to a formula, and make great use of corny puns. We like to groan at how awful they are, but they are a quintessential part of a British Christmas. Some are on Christmas themes, many are not. I found most of the jokes here in several places on the Internet, so I don't think I'm treading on anybody's copyright toes.
Exercise 1 - General jokes
| 1. | Why are bananas never lonely? | ||
| 2. | What did the dog get for Christmas? | ||
| 3. | What do you get if you cross a skeleton and a detective? | ||
| 4. | What does the carpet salesman give to his wife for Valentine's Day? | ||
| 5. | How did the human cannonball lose his job? | ||
| 6. | What did the policeman say to the stomach? | ||
| 7. | Why is it so difficult to train dogs to dance? | ||
| 8. | Where do Snow-women like to dance? | ||
| 9. | What did baby corn say to mummy corn? | ||
| 10. | Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters? |
Exercise 2 - The chicken and the road jokes
Probably every child in Britain knows the chicken and the road joke:
- Why did the chicken cross the road?
- To get to the other side.
These jokes take the basic joke a step further.
| 1. | Why did the chicken cross the football field? | ||
| 2. | Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again? | ||
| 3. | Why did the chicken cross the roundabout (in the playground)? | ||
| 4. | Why didn't the scared chicken skeleton cross the road | ||
| 5. | Why did the chewing gum cross the road? | ||
| 6. | Why did the brave little turkey cross the road? | ||
| 7. | Why did the dinosaur cross the road | ||
| 8. | Why did the turtle cross the road? | ||
| 9. | Why did Rudolph cross the road? | ||
| 10. | Why did the kind-hearted horse cross the road? |
Animal jokes
Skunk by Tom Friedel
Leopard by JanErkamp
Beaver by Steve
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Exercise 3 - Animal jokes
| 1. | Did you hear about the leopard who had a bath every day? | ||
| 2. | How do hedgehogs make love? | ||
| 3. | How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? | ||
| 4. | How do you stop a skunk smelling? | ||
| 5. | What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree? | ||
| 6. | What do angry mice send each other at Christmas? | ||
| 7. | What do you call a bull asleep on the ground? | ||
| 8. | What do you call a gigantic polar bear? | ||
| 9. | What do you call a sick crocodile? | ||
| 10. | What does an angry kangaroo do? | ||
| 11. | What's a frog's favourite drink? | ||
| 12. | Which type of dog has no tail? |
Exercise 4 - Elf jokes
A lot of elf jokes play on the fact that the word "elf" can sound like other words, two in particular. Here's a clue. In parts of London you might hear someone say, 'I want be elfy, welfy and wise'. Elves are often referred to as Santa's little helpers
| 1. | Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed? | ||
| 2. | What does Santa do with fat elves? | ||
| 3. | What do Santa's little helpers learn at school? | ||
| 4. | What did Santa say to the smoker? | ||
| 5. | Where do elves go to dance? | ||
| 6. | Did Rudolph go to school? | ||
| 7. | How do elves greet each other? | ||
| 8. | What is a female elf called? | ||
| 9. | How do you describe a rich elf? | ||
| 10. | If there were 11 elves, and another one came along, what would he be? |
Exercise 5 - More general jokes
| 1. | What did the fireman's wife get for Christmas? | ||
| 2. | What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? | ||
| 3. | What did the digital watch say to the analogue watch? | ||
| 4. | What did one wall say to the other wall? | ||
| 5. | What do crackers, fruitcake and nuts remind me of? | ||
| 6. | What do you give a man who has everything? | ||
| 7. | What goes up and never comes down? | ||
| 8. | What's white and goes up? | ||
| 9. | Who wore the first shell suit? | ||
| 10. | Why are tall people always the laziest? | ||
| 11. | Why can you never play jokes on snakes? | ||
| 12. | Why do birds fly south in winter? |
Exercise 6 - More elf jokes
Note these other small creatures sometimes found in stories:
- goblin - a small ugly creature that likes to trick people or cause trouble (OALD)
- gnome - a creature like a small man with a pointed hat, who lives under the ground and guards gold and treasure (OALD)
| 1. | What do Elves use to go from floor to floor? | ||
| 2. | What do they call a wild elf in Kansas? | ||
| 3. | What do you call Santa's little helpers? | ||
| 4. | What kind of bread do elves make sandwiches with? | ||
| 5. | Where do you find elves? | ||
| 6. | Which elf sings "Blue Christmas" and "Santa Claus Is Back in Town"? | ||
| 7. | Why did Santa tell off one of his elves? | ||
| 8. | Why did the elf put his bed into the fireplace? | ||
| 9. | Why do elves scratch themselves? | ||
| 10. | Why does Santa owe everything to the elves? |
Related posts
- Christmas cracker joke matching quiz - A short matching quiz
- Christmas cracker gapfill quiz - Learn a bir about Christmas crackers
- A passive Christmas day - Practise the passive with a short account of how we spend some of Christmas Day.
I love the post, as usual.
ReplyDeleteWishing you merry/ happy/ joyous/ peaceful/ wonderful Christmas!
That's really nice of you, thanks. And of course a really happy Christmas and great New Year to you too, and to any of the other followers that may see this. And indeed to everyone.
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